Happiness

I have a confession to make. I skipped my first class today, Japanese. I know, gasp, I just...I dunno. What happened to the girl who had nothing but disdain for people who skipped? I really couldn't tell you. I don't know if I know her anymore.

Why aren't I happy? I feel like I've been just...existing. That's it. I'll get really sad sometimes, but I don't feel like I'm really happy anymore. I'm not depressed. I WON'T be depressed. I just wonder why I'm not happy. It's like the happiness is in a bubble, and I can't let it out. I feel like I've tried everything.

So now I tried skipping a class. I thought, if I could just get a break, if I could just be free for a minute of the stress...Wrong thing. It didn't help, and I think it made things worse. Cuz now I'm stressing about my grade in that class, and what I missed. It was just review, but still...

Isn't living the gospel supposed to make us happy? Isn't it the plan of happiness? What am I not doing? Why am I not happy? I went to church, I bore my testimony, I'm getting better at reading my scriptures, I pray, I'm doing extractions...Why aren't I happy? What am I doing wrong?!

I won't turn to drugs. I WILL NEVER do drugs. I know that won't make me happy.

I need a tissue. And maybe a hug.

But no one really reads this, do they? I'm just writing this for myself, I guess. Guess that's why I ramble all over the place.

Yesterday was good. My family came over, and we played games. I was happy then, I think. But I've got to be happy when my family isn't around. Gotta cut those apron strings, they say. I know they're right. I just don't know what more to do to make myself happy.

Can I force myself to be happy?

I would skip classes. I want to. I want to go home. But what would mommy say? I don't want her worrying about me, she has so much to worry about already.

Crap. I'm crying. Right in the middle of class, I'm crying.

Better stop before it gets worse.