This passive-aggressive status just happened on Facebook. It just so happens that it's from a guy I dated for a little while. And while it probably stems from being hurt by his current relationship, I can't help but feel a bit defensive.
Because I didn't "crap on him." I simply broke up with him. And for so many men these days, simply not being interested is the equivalent of putting their heart through the shredder.
...
Then making a new heart out of paper-mache, putting that heart in a box, putting that box in another box, mailing that box to yourself, and then smashing the box with a HAMMER!
This man (we'll call him Derick) and I met during a very lonely part of my life. He is a good man and I'd seen him entertaining kids, and he made me laugh. We had a lot of differences, and (the biggie for me) he wasn't a Latter Day Saint. Anyone who knows me will know that other than my family, my religion is the most important thing in my life. Despite this, after talking long into the night we decided to give dating a try. From the get-go, I let him know that I was a very slow mover (because of my anxiety and past relationships) and that I would have to get to know him a lot before we became exclusive or got past the hugs-and-holding-hands stage. Since we lived a state apart, Derick assured me this was a non-issue and that he was only interested in being friends and seeing where it went from there. I believed him (mistake 1) and said we could give dating a try.
About a month later (after many Facebook messages and texts) we saw each other again. At this point, he treated me so well I felt guilty. He did everything for me, offer anything for me. At this point I was still at the "I don't really know you that well, so don't get too invested" stage of the game. I refused to let him buy me gifts and turned down expensive dates. After the first day, we had a long talk. He told me he was willing to switch up everything in his life to be with me. Move to Utah, convert to my religion, the works. I was absolutely certain that was a bad idea. I let him know that if either of us had to change everything about themselves just to be in the relationship, it wasn't a fair relationship. It would make both of us miserable and resentful eventually, and just isn't healthy! He then used the words I would hear over and over during the next year: "Well, you can't say no without giving it a try."
Girls: You are allowed to say no without "giving it a try!" First of all, what does that even MEAN? Does it mean go on one date? Does it mean dating for three months? Does it mean being exclusive? Does it mean trying sex? Does it mean living together? Just exactly what is considered a good-faith "try?"
And how do you decide if the "try" didn't work? When your differences outweigh the things you have in common? When you realize you're not remotely attracted physically? When you realize that you want totally different things out of a relationship? Even if you have nothing in common and totally differing life's goals, and spending time together feels like an argument...some guys will claim that you didn't give it enough of a try because you didn't compromise, or kiss, or date exclusively, or whatever.
In other words, if you don't give what they want a try and allow them to decide it didn't work, you just didn't try hard enough!
A girl should be allowed to say, "You know, you're not a bad person, but I just don't think we're compatible" without the world jumping down her throat for being too judgmental! A girl should be allowed to break off a relationship without the man's consent without worrying about if she'll hear about "friend zoning" people for the rest of her life.
No one OWES another person a relationship. Just because you like someone does not mean they're obligated to like you back. Think about it: do you really want your significant other to be with you primarily because they OWE it to you? Relationships should be about wanting to be together, through the thick and thin, good and bad, because you love that person! They shouldn't be all about wanting to avoid causing pain or avoiding confrontation. You should hold hands because you want to, not because one of you is afraid of the consequences if you DON'T hold hands.
Unfortunately, at the time I didn't know this. I was lonely, and despite our differences I really liked some things about Derick. He was funny and creative. He made me feel like a gourmet dinner in the school cafeteria of life. I'd read so many things about guys I liked being unfairly friend zoned, and I didn't want him hurt like that. I agreed that we could try being boyfriend/girlfriend in an "open" way. Despite my reservations about our differences, despite the fact that we had only really been on 2 dates, I agreed.
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| Of course we made it "official" via Facebook... |
We had a few more dates, and the more we got to know each other the more I realized how incompatible Derick and I were. He started telling me I should give him more physical cues that I liked him. "No guy was going to want to stay in a relationship where he doesn't get kissed," he said. He described his life goals, which while adventurous and exciting didn't fit with the dependable and safe life I have come to know I need. Our tastes in music were wildly different. Whenever I brought up his church conversion (which wasn't often, but he kept telling me he was meeting with the missionaries) he would waffle. He knew that I would only marry someone of the LDS faith but that he couldn't in honesty convert. One thing I can say for him is that he was never actually dishonest. I began to notice other men I had more in common with, but felt that I couldn't pursue any others (despite the "open" status of our relationship).
One night we were talking about "the friend zone." I asserted that it wasn't fair that girls who didn't give guys "enough" of a chance were convicted socially of being "friendzoning (b-word)s." The surest way out of the friendzone is to complain about being in the friendzone. That will put you in the avoid-zone or even the enemy-zone REAL quick. His reply was that he HATED when women decided just to be friends. He said too many women didn't give wonderful men a chance. How could they know a relationship wouldn't work out unless they they it a try? Soon after, he tried to close our "open relationship." I knew enough by this time that we wouldn't work out, and that I had to break up with him.
I cried. I agonized. I rehearsed. OH, did I rehearse! Every possible variation of what I could say ended up too blunt or too cliche. I was afraid he'd be mad at me for not "trying." I didn't want to hurt him, but I knew that continuing in this relationship would be a farce. Guys, would you honestly rather a girl continue wasting your time in a relationship they know won't work out? Isn't that called "leading you on?" Finally, I decided just to be honest with him. I explained to him (in person, not over Facebook) the many good qualities that he had, but that our goals and needs were so different that a relationship just wouldn't work. We broke up. I felt pretty good about having given the relationship a try. We moved on and stayed friends (I thought), occasionally joking on Facebook ("How are you?" "Still single. You?" "Yep, but life's good"). Sometimes I would like a post about his career progress or a fun project he was working on. And if I noticed an upswing in his "All I need is a girl" posts, I just ignored it.
Life was normal until I saw him again, about 6 months later. That day I knew something was off. He avoided me. Normally, he would say hi and help anyone out, so seeing him only from far off was very atypical. Even when I got heatstroke and everyone in the vicinity was offering to help, he was nowhere to be found. I got that he might feel awkward or be hurting, so I left it alone. And to be honest, I wasn't sure I could handle the awkward post-breakup conversation. We didn't talk until the end of the 2 day event. He noticed me struggling out to my car (I always carry too much, darn the one-trip determination) and came to help.
There, as I was preparing to leave, he told me that he wanted to date again. He was incomplete without me. He was ready to give up anything just to be with me. And then those words, "We just have to give it a try." For myself, I hemmed and hawed and said we might do that sometime. I don't like to rule things out. Especially given that some of my best friends are happily married to guys they initially couldn't stand! If some changes had taken place in his life to make us more compatible, I was happy to try again.
As we talked over the next couple of days (well, Facebook messaged) I realized that nothing had really changed. He kept insisting that we could meet in the middle, that "real couples" compromised. Let me make this clear: I am totally okay with compromise. I won't throw a fit about eating organic or how cold is too cold to wear sandals. I'm even willing to compromise on things like how to raise children or where to live. But when it comes to basic things like what we want out of life or our religious beliefs, the only compromise is when someone gives up something deeply integral to them. When I pointed this out, the dreaded words came again:
I was stunned. What had our last relationship been, if not a "try?" His reply:
He really was expecting us to go through the same motions that hadn't worked before! Either that, or he was expecting me to do something different (read: "compromise). I finally asked how many "test runs" we had to go through before acknowledging that something wouldn't work. I reiterated the reasons we didn't work before, with the following question: What's changed? What has changed about this situation that makes you think it will work this time? I was up all night and spent the next day wondering what I was doing wrong. Was I giving him mixed signals? What I being too judgmental, giving up on a relationship that could really work? Was I a horrible person for hurting him?
To his credit, he said he could see where I was coming from and didn't pursue the relationship. I noticed that a few of his statuses were to do with needing love, but I understood. When I saw that his status said all girls do is "crap on you," I couldn't help but be upset. Did he really feel that I had "crapped" on him, simply because I had decided we weren't compatible? It wasn't like I threw his offerings back in his face and told him he was not good enough for me. It wasn't like I ever laughed in his face when he approached the subject of dating again. And yet, all girls ever do is "crap" on him.
He's not a bad guy, and chances are he's posting out of hurt. This post may not even be about me! My problem is that this attitude is typical of so many guys in the dating scene today. I've never dated girls but from our conversations I haven't noticed a sense of relationship entitlement from them. Heck, if everyone who wanted a relationship was entitled to it, I'd be married to my high school crush by now! I understand the frustration of being turned down without a chance. Believe me, I understand it! I can't tell you how many times I've looked at someone and thought, "We are so compatible, if they'd only give me a chance!" But I respect their right not to be interested. I know that a good relationship grows from a seed, it isn't forced into the ground with a pickaxe.
So let's cut out the "zones." Let's either be interested, or not. If you can't handle being friends, that's okay! But don't blame someone for not dating you. Don't insist that they have to "give it a try." Let's have natural, meaningful relationships based on mutual interest. Because let's face it, relationships are enough work without trying to force a square peg into a round hole (did you know they did that?). Let's give more people chances because we're not afraid of what will happen when it turns out we're not interested. Let's love and and live or love and let go.
