Place holder in case I can't come up with something witty.

I had to stay home today. I've got something that the doctor called "bell curve flu" (flu season came early, folks, so break out those shots!). In essence, it's a sort of series of flu "relapses" or something. One minute you'll be fine, and the next you'll be sick again. Basically, everything fluctuates. You may be tired, and then the next minute be full of energy. You may be hungry, and then take two bites and feel full to bursting. You may feel hot and cold, etc. They tell me these are the result of the fever breaking repeatedly, and then rising again.

So yeah. Guess I deserved it. No, really I do. After rereading my self-sorry post from yesterday...Why don't I take it down, you say? Because the emotions and thoughts are TRUE. Who knows, one day one of my kids may feel that way, and it would be good for them to see that I felt that way, too.

I feel better now. Still homesick, but what else is new. Mostly, I'm nervous about my Geography test tomorrow, and my Japanese class. And I'm STIR-CRAZY! I have been cooped up in the bedroom all day and I want OUT of here!

But that may just be the disease problem. Next thing you know, I'll be so tired I can't keep my eyes open. Ah, the perversity of life, eh?

Mommy came over and left some of her FABULOUS chicken dumpling soup, which I had for dinner. It's always gone too fast, but MAN is it good while it lasts.

Ever wonder why I put so many caps-locks in there? It's cuz I want emphasis and am too lazy to push "Ctrl-I."

Happiness

I have a confession to make. I skipped my first class today, Japanese. I know, gasp, I just...I dunno. What happened to the girl who had nothing but disdain for people who skipped? I really couldn't tell you. I don't know if I know her anymore.

Why aren't I happy? I feel like I've been just...existing. That's it. I'll get really sad sometimes, but I don't feel like I'm really happy anymore. I'm not depressed. I WON'T be depressed. I just wonder why I'm not happy. It's like the happiness is in a bubble, and I can't let it out. I feel like I've tried everything.

So now I tried skipping a class. I thought, if I could just get a break, if I could just be free for a minute of the stress...Wrong thing. It didn't help, and I think it made things worse. Cuz now I'm stressing about my grade in that class, and what I missed. It was just review, but still...

Isn't living the gospel supposed to make us happy? Isn't it the plan of happiness? What am I not doing? Why am I not happy? I went to church, I bore my testimony, I'm getting better at reading my scriptures, I pray, I'm doing extractions...Why aren't I happy? What am I doing wrong?!

I won't turn to drugs. I WILL NEVER do drugs. I know that won't make me happy.

I need a tissue. And maybe a hug.

But no one really reads this, do they? I'm just writing this for myself, I guess. Guess that's why I ramble all over the place.

Yesterday was good. My family came over, and we played games. I was happy then, I think. But I've got to be happy when my family isn't around. Gotta cut those apron strings, they say. I know they're right. I just don't know what more to do to make myself happy.

Can I force myself to be happy?

I would skip classes. I want to. I want to go home. But what would mommy say? I don't want her worrying about me, she has so much to worry about already.

Crap. I'm crying. Right in the middle of class, I'm crying.

Better stop before it gets worse.

Stiffneckedness

Okay, so it's not what it sounds, but I DO have stiff neck. Anybody have any ideas on how to ease one of those? I think I just slept on it funny, but it still hurts.

Well, Mommy is subbing for three days in an LD Resource (Learning Disability Resource) class, so she was pretty stressed out, but I know she'll do fine. It never ceases to amaze me what a wonderful teacher she is, and how she loves those children.

Poor Catherine came (went?) down with a fever of 103 on Saturday, and a cough. Does pneumonia usually carry a fever and a cough? Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I hate to see my baby feeling so miserable.

The good stuff: I got to spend the Sunday sessions of conference with my family! It was great. Our "mini-meal" (the traditional meal of finger food at the end of the first session, I'm sure it hearkens back to the ancient Israelites) was fantastic: highlights included guacamole, vienna sausages, fresh pineapple, and our clam-olive canapes that were gone within minutes of setting them on the table.

Well, as for me, I've got no news, really. Work's the same as usual, school is okay (I'm starting my first round of midterms, but the panic hasn't hit me yet. It's funny how grandma thinks because I'm having midterms, we're halfway through the semester. Nowadays, "midterm" is just a word for "test whenever I darn well want to have it." (College students: am I right or am I right?) Oh, good news: I got a 95% on a history test I was really worried about, so I'm happy.

Well, I wish I could say I won a sweepstakes or got engaged or got a new job, but none of those would be true. Just a reminder: I do take blind dates and invitations to dinner! (j/k)

That's all for now. Sorry about the big gap 'tween posts.

--Beth

PS: Daniel, I saw this morning that the Widtsoe (sp?) had a fire drill. Were you there when that happened?

PPS: I forgot to tell, I cut my hair!!! Pic below: