"The Friendzone"

This passive-aggressive status just happened on Facebook. It just so happens that it's from a guy I dated for a little while. And while it probably stems from being hurt by his current relationship, I can't help but feel a bit defensive.

Because I didn't "crap on him." I simply broke up with him. And for so many men these days, simply not being interested is the equivalent of putting their heart through the shredder.

...

Then making a new heart out of paper-mache, putting that heart in a box, putting that box in another box, mailing that box to yourself, and then smashing the box with a HAMMER! 

This man (we'll call him Derick) and I met during a very lonely part of my life. He is a good man and I'd seen him entertaining kids, and he made me laugh. We had a lot of differences, and (the biggie for me) he wasn't a Latter Day Saint. Anyone who knows me will know that other than my family, my religion is the most important thing in my life. Despite this, after talking long into the night we decided to give dating a try. From the get-go, I let him know that I was a very slow mover (because of my anxiety and past relationships) and that I would have to get to know him a lot before we became exclusive or got past the hugs-and-holding-hands stage. Since we lived a state apart, Derick assured me this was a non-issue and that he was only interested in being friends and seeing where it went from there. I believed him (mistake 1) and said we could give dating a try.

About a month later (after many Facebook messages and texts) we saw each other again. At this point, he treated me so well I felt guilty. He did everything for me, offer anything for me. At this point I was still at the "I don't really know you that well, so don't get too invested" stage of the game. I refused to let him buy me gifts and turned down expensive dates. After the first day, we had a long talk. He told me he was willing to switch up everything in his life to be with me. Move to Utah, convert to my religion, the works. I was absolutely certain that was a bad idea. I let him know that if either of us had to change everything about themselves just to be in the relationship, it wasn't a fair relationship. It would make both of us miserable and resentful eventually, and just isn't healthy! He then used the words I would hear over and over during the next year: "Well, you can't say no without giving it a try."

Girls: You are allowed to say no without "giving it a try!" First of all, what does that even MEAN? Does it mean go on one date? Does it mean dating for three months? Does it mean being exclusive? Does it mean trying sex? Does it mean living together? Just exactly what is considered a good-faith "try?"

And how do you decide if the "try" didn't work? When your differences outweigh the things you have in common? When you realize you're not remotely attracted physically? When you realize that you want totally different things out of a relationship? Even if you have nothing in common and totally differing life's goals, and spending time together feels like an argument...some guys will claim that you didn't give it enough of a try because you didn't compromise, or kiss, or date exclusively, or whatever.

In other words, if you don't give what they want a try and allow them to decide it didn't work, you just didn't try hard enough!

A girl should be allowed to say, "You know, you're not a bad person, but I just don't think we're compatible" without the world jumping down her throat for being too judgmental! A girl should be allowed to break off a relationship without the man's consent without worrying about if she'll hear about "friend zoning" people for the rest of her life.

No one OWES another person a relationship. Just because you like someone does not mean they're obligated to like you back. Think about it: do you really want your significant other to be with you primarily because they OWE it to you? Relationships should be about wanting to be together, through  the thick and thin, good and bad, because you love that person! They shouldn't be all about wanting to avoid causing pain or avoiding confrontation. You should hold hands because you want to, not because one of you is afraid of the consequences if you DON'T hold hands.

Unfortunately, at the time I didn't know this. I was lonely, and despite our differences I really liked some things about Derick. He was funny and creative. He made me feel like a gourmet dinner in the school cafeteria of life. I'd read so many things about guys I liked being unfairly friend zoned, and I didn't want him hurt like that. I agreed that we could try being boyfriend/girlfriend in an "open" way. Despite my reservations about our differences, despite the fact that we had only really been on 2 dates, I agreed.

Of course we made it "official" via Facebook...

We had a few more dates, and the more we got to know each other the more I realized how incompatible Derick and I were. He started telling me I should give him more physical cues that I liked him. "No guy was going to want to stay in a relationship where he doesn't get kissed," he said. He described his life goals, which while adventurous and exciting didn't fit with the dependable and safe life I have come to know I need. Our tastes in music were wildly different. Whenever I brought up his church conversion (which wasn't often, but he kept telling me he was meeting with the missionaries) he would waffle. He knew that I would only marry someone of the LDS faith but that he couldn't in honesty convert. One thing I can say for him is that he was never actually dishonest. I began to notice other men I had more in common with, but felt that I couldn't pursue any others (despite the "open" status of our relationship).

One night we were talking about "the friend zone." I asserted that it wasn't fair that girls who didn't give guys "enough" of a chance were convicted socially of being "friendzoning (b-word)s." The surest way out of the friendzone is to complain about being in the friendzone. That will put you in the avoid-zone or even the enemy-zone REAL quick. His reply was that he HATED when women decided just to be friends. He said too many women didn't give wonderful men a chance. How could they know a relationship wouldn't work out unless they they it a try? Soon after, he tried to close our "open relationship." I knew enough by this time that we wouldn't work out, and that I had to break up with him.

I cried. I agonized. I rehearsed. OH, did I rehearse! Every possible variation of what I could say ended up too blunt or too cliche. I was afraid he'd be mad at me for not "trying." I didn't want to hurt him, but I knew that continuing in this relationship would be a farce. Guys, would you honestly rather a girl continue wasting your time in a relationship they know won't work out? Isn't that called "leading you on?" Finally, I decided just to be honest with him. I explained to him (in person, not over Facebook) the many good qualities that he had, but that our goals and needs were so different that a relationship just wouldn't work. We broke up. I felt pretty good about having given the relationship a try. We moved on and stayed friends (I thought), occasionally joking on Facebook ("How are you?" "Still single. You?" "Yep, but life's good"). Sometimes I would like a post about his career progress or a fun project he was working on. And if I noticed an upswing in his "All I need is a girl" posts, I just ignored it.

Life was normal until I saw him again, about 6 months later. That day I knew something was off. He avoided me. Normally, he would say hi and help anyone out, so seeing him only from far off was very atypical. Even when I got heatstroke and everyone in the vicinity was offering to help, he was nowhere to be found. I got that he might feel awkward or be hurting, so I left it alone. And to be honest, I wasn't sure I could handle the awkward post-breakup conversation. We didn't talk until the end of the 2 day event. He noticed me struggling out to my car (I always carry too much, darn the one-trip determination) and came to help.

There, as I was preparing to leave, he told me that he wanted to date again. He was incomplete without me. He was ready to give up anything just to be with me. And then those words, "We just have to give it a try." For myself, I hemmed and hawed and said we might do that sometime. I don't like to rule things out. Especially given that some of my best friends are happily married to guys they initially couldn't stand! If some changes had taken place in his life to make us more compatible, I was happy to try again.

As we talked over the next couple of days (well, Facebook messaged) I realized that nothing had really changed. He kept insisting that we could meet in the middle, that "real couples" compromised. Let me make this clear: I am totally okay with compromise. I won't throw a fit about eating organic or how cold is too cold to wear sandals. I'm even willing to compromise on things like how to raise children or where to live. But when it comes to basic things like what we want out of life or our religious beliefs, the only compromise is when someone gives up something deeply integral to them. When I pointed this out, the dreaded words came again:

I was stunned. What had our last relationship been, if not a "try?" His reply:

He really was expecting us to go through the same motions that hadn't worked before! Either that, or he was expecting me to do something different (read: "compromise). I finally asked how many "test runs" we had to go through before acknowledging that something wouldn't work. I reiterated the reasons we didn't work before, with the following question: What's changed? What has changed about this situation that makes you think it will work this time? I was up all night and spent the next day wondering what I was doing wrong. Was I giving him mixed signals? What I being too judgmental, giving up on a relationship that could really work? Was I a horrible person for hurting him?

To his credit, he said he could see where I was coming from and didn't pursue the relationship. I noticed that a few of his statuses were to do with needing love, but I understood. When I saw that his status said all girls do is "crap on you," I couldn't help but be upset. Did he really feel that I had "crapped" on him, simply because I had decided we weren't compatible? It wasn't like I threw his offerings back in his face and told him he was not good enough for me. It wasn't like I ever laughed in his face when he approached the subject of dating again. And yet, all girls ever do is "crap" on him.

He's not a bad guy, and chances are he's posting out of hurt. This post may not even be about me! My problem is that this attitude is typical of so many guys in the dating scene today. I've never dated girls but from our conversations I haven't noticed a sense of relationship entitlement from them. Heck, if everyone who wanted a relationship was entitled to it, I'd be married to my high school crush by now! I understand the frustration of being turned down without a chance. Believe me, I understand it! I can't tell you how many times I've looked at someone and thought, "We are so compatible, if they'd only give me a chance!" But I respect their right not to be interested. I know that a good relationship grows from a seed, it isn't forced into the ground with a pickaxe.

So let's cut out the "zones." Let's either be interested, or not. If you can't handle being friends, that's okay! But don't blame someone for not dating you. Don't insist that they have to "give it a try." Let's have natural, meaningful relationships based on mutual interest. Because let's face it, relationships are enough work without trying to force a square peg into a round hole (did you know they did that?). Let's give more people chances because we're not afraid of what will happen when it turns out we're not interested. Let's love and and live or love and let go.

New Common Core Standards

If you work or attend school in Alpine School District (or possibly anywhere else...I only ASD has been sending letters home), you likely know that Utah has let go of their USOE core in favor of the nearly-natiowide Common Core Standards. I've recently attended a workshop on what this means for the state of education in our...well, state...and would like to share some of this with you.

Firstly, I will say I was (and still am) a bit nervous about what implementing this Core will mean for teachers. At the least, my childrens' educational experiences are likely to be very different from my own. Basically, the Common Core focuses on aligning with the CCR (college and career readiness) expectations and closing the 'gap' between high school and college. This means an increase in reading nonfiction texts and in informative writing, as well as different math standards designed to trim down superfluous content in favor of going deeper with CCR content.

Here are some things I like about the core:

Gradual Increase in NF Texts: I was worried that the new core meant I as an elementary school teacher would be required to only have my students write nonfiction text, as well as preventing me from instilling them with a love of reading through great literature (TBH, I don't know that anyone has gained a LOVE of reading through informative texts...maybe historical nonfiction, but...). Fear not! The Common Core gradually ups the ratio of literary to informational texts. According to their Standards Document in Reading, a 4th grade student would be reading 50% literary, 50% informational texts. This gradually increases until at 12th grade student is reading 30% literary material and 70% informational material.

Trimming of Superfluous Mathematics Content: I've often felt that we in the US are trying to compete with other nations by cramming too much into too little time. Hopefully these standards will alleviate that.

One to One ratio with CCR expectations: CCR expectations were developed with research into...well, what colleges and employers look for in a ready-to-go candidate! I feel 'closing the gap' between college and high school for all...not just the AP-goers...is laudable, and each grade level standards are a developmentally-appropriate version of the CCR expectations.

Does not limit teachers: The Common Core acknowledges --even expects--that some students will reach the grade-level standard before the end of the year. It allows teachers to supplement and extend the content if needed.

Things that concern me:

No more Content-based classes in 7-12: Classes like Geometry, Algebra II, and AP Calculus are a thing of the past. Instead classes will have names like "Grade 7 maths" and teach a variety of mathematic concepts. This may be more confusing than a problem, but what I don't like is that if a student wants to be prepared for AP Calculus (taught AP Calculus material), they must get on the Honors maths track at grade 9.

To learn more about the Common Core, go to http://www.corestandards.org/

I know there were a few more likes and dislikes, but right now I have to head to bed and prepare for job fair tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Review: Shimmer

Shimmer by Alyson Noel

My rating: 3 of 5 stars



Book Blurb: "Having solved the matter of the Radiant Boy, Riley, Buttercup, and Bodhi are enjoying a well-deserved vacation. When Riley comes across a vicious black dog, against Bodhi’s advice, she decides to cross him over. While following the dog, she runs into a young ghost named Rebecca. Despite Rebecca’s sweet appearance, Riley soon learns she’s not at all what she seems. As the daughter of a former plantation owner, she is furious about being murdered during a slave revolt in 1733. Mired in her own anger, Rebecca is lashing out by keeping the ghosts who died along with her trapped in their worst memories. Can Riley help Rebecca forgive and forget without losing herself to her own nightmarish memories?"

I suppose this book is all right for younger teens, which is probably good since that's the audience for this book. But I found Riley Bloom extremely annoying. This girl definitely leads with her mouth and is slow in the reasoning department. This is one of the protagonists who are so dumb you want to hit their head against a brick wall. Despite being with a character who has been around longer than she, knows the situation better, and is obviously wiser, Riley continues to mouth off and generally mess everything up. Even AFTER this character proves himself repeatedly correct, she still insists on treating his advice as if he were "obviously crazy" (variations of this phrase are used several times in reference to him). The fact that Riley has obviously never even been taught history is evident when she asks why an African prince would go from a life of luxury to being whipped and tortured. Hello?The writing gets a little monotonous, with a lot of "Even though (reason pointing against what Riley thinks), even though (another reason), even though (another reason)...Despite all that, (Riley goes ahead and thinks what she wants anyway)." It's also bogged down with a lot of description. The climax nearly pulls the book out of its slump, which is why I give it 3 stars, but it doesn't quite pull it off all the way.

I would have liked to like this book, but due to the annoying nature of its heroine I simply couldn't enjoy it. A side note: the audiobook version of this has a wonderful voice actress, and I enjoyed listening to her even though the book was making me grit my teeth with annoyance.



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Book Review: Bad Girls Don't Die

Bad Girls Don't Die by Katie Alender

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

2 book reviews in one day! I couldn't put this one down, just HAD to finish it!

Alexis looks like a 'typical' dysfunctional teen with a 'typical' dysfunctional family, Pink hair, don't care 'tude, hangs with goths: Check. Mom who works too much: check. Dad who spends more time with sports than at home: Check. Little sis who talks to her dolls: Check. Psycho ghost in haunted house....Check.


When Alexis' little sister starts behaving strangely and a series of harmful accidents occurs, Alexis is left to solve the mystery on her own. Who can she trust to help her? The goth 'friend?' The preppy boy with a disturbed past? The head cheerleader who has a secret? Alexis is determined to get her sister back...or die trying.

Review: This book was great! Read half in one sitting, paused to eat dinner, then read the rest. Really, think Wait Till Helen Comes for a YA audience, and you've got this book. Not so creepy that you want to run screaming from the room or have to sleep with the lights on for a week, but not so sappily predictable that you are bored and don't want to finish the book. Some of the 'twists' and things were a little obvious, but the writing style is good so I forgive that. I definitely recommend this book to anyone who likes a good ghost story (like me), who liked Wait Till Helen Comes and wants something slightly more grown up (no really mature themes or passages, don't worry).



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Book Review: Sweet Venom

Sweet Venom by Tera Lynn Childs

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



Summary from Amazon.com:

"Grace just moved to San Francisco and is excited to start over at a new school. The change is full of fresh possibilities, but it’s also a tiny bit scary. It gets scarier when a minotaur walks in the door. And even more shocking when a girl who looks just like her shows up to fight the monster.


Gretchen is tired of monsters pulling her out into the wee hours, especially on a school night, but what can she do? Sending the minotaur back to his bleak home is just another notch on her combat belt. She never expected to run into this girl who could be her double, though.


Greer has her life pretty well put together, thank you very much. But that all tilts sideways when two girls who look eerily like her appear on her doorstep and claim they’re triplets, supernatural descendants of some hideous creature from Greek myth, destined to spend their lives hunting monsters.


These three teenage descendants of Medusa, the once-beautiful Gorgon maligned in myth, must reunite and embrace their fates in this unique paranormal world where monsters lurk in plain sight."

This book was pretty good! Slow going at first, because the author is more interested in describing the girls' lives before they meet than in getting the story started. Descriptions of the monster fights are pretty neat, as are the girls abilities. I took off one star out of five because the book doesn't end. It does that thing so many 'trilogy' authors are doing (doesn't it seem like EVERYTHING is a trilogy nowadays?) where they leave a whole lot of loose ends to get you to read the sequel. This book left a LOT of loose ends. Pretty much, every mystery except when these three girls are finally going to meet and accept their fate is left unanswered. The girls only meet in the last few chapters of this 400-page book! They only accept who they are and become a team in the LAST chapter. That frustrates me.

Despite that fact, the book was pretty easy reading. I was through a hundred pages or so before I stopped and checked page numbers, so I know it got me pretty involved. I always love things stemming from Greek mythology ('Starcrossed,' anyone?) so the sequel is definitely on my to-read list.



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I Love Robin Moses!

Firstly, I apologize for not updating this. It's really just a hobby, and I'm horrible at updating blogs, so...I hope you'll forgive me and enjoy when I do post! The topic today is Robin Moses!

Robin Moses: an awesome nail artist dedicated to helping fledgling nail artists (or even just hobbyists, like me) look pretty awesome, too!

If you haven't seen her nail art, check it out on http://robinmosesnailart.blogspot.com/. She is also on Facebook, Pinterest, and I think Twitter. She has some amazing looks that are easy for beginners to do, she teaches you how she makes those amazing designs of hers (although actually acquiring the skill to duplicate these things is waaay beyond my level)...and it WORKS!

Over Christmas I did two nails looks from Robin:

Look 1: Stuffed Stockings! Cute stocking tops with presents and candy canes. This one was pretty time consuming, but I loved the way it looked on me. It's completely acrylic pain on a clear base with a clear top coat.

Look 2: Ribbon mistletoe! Can I just say I love, love, LOVE this look? Robin's version just had ribbon so it could be used just about any time of the year, but I added the mistletoe to be festive. This was super easy and I got so many compliments on it! Base: Generic red sparkle polish (I think it's by China Glaze), Orly Polishield top coat.

10 pts if you remember his name without looking!

I didn't make this cupcake; a mom brought it in for Beauty and the Beast fairy tale Friday. I got to eat it, though, and can tell you pretty much what the components are. It seems pretty simple! Since I assume most of you can follow cake mix directions to make a chocolate cupcake I'll just list what each part is.

Base: Chocolate cupcake, orange frosting
Mouth: Twizzlers Pull n' Peel
Nose: Orange Smartie
Eyes: Squished marshmallows and chocolate pieces
Eyebrows, moustache: Black frosting
Hair: Flattened tootsie rolls, almond sliver

SUPER cute and the kids loved it! Bless this mother who made 30 of these cupcakes to be devoured in minutes! Oh, and by the way they were YUMMY!

Consideration

Considerate people...

1) Think about the people in the house they're visiting. Are they going to bed? What do you do? (HINT: The answer is NOT make fun of them for going to bed and then stay up as late and be as loud as you want.)

2) Plan things ahead of time. I don't care how cute he is, how fun the activity, how many people you invited. If you don't ask the parents/grandparents/roomates ahead of time, don't expect them to be happy when you steamroll over them.

3) Listen when said people/parents/grandparents/etc. complain, and don't do it again. Otherwise they will have to smack you.

4) DO NOT pretend you want to spend time with relatives when all you want is a place to sleep. They will inevitably leave their whole day open in case you want to do something, then be disappointed when you shop, visit other people, shop, eat out, visit other people, and crash at their house. Also they will fix you meals that you won't eat. This usually leads to leftovers that get too mushy and icky to eat.

5) DO NOT act as if an employee is stupid. Unless they are directly and verbally insulting you (i.e.: "Hey, you ugly lady with the stupid order!") or giving you the finger there is no call for it. It doesn't help them help you any better, and makes them want to foul up your order/appointment/kid just because you're a jerk.

6) DO NOT call people out on Facebook. Just don't do it. Nobody else wants to hear about how so-and-so is an idiot and insulted whoshisface in third grade and dunked your dolly in the toilet. If you have a problem, talk to the person face-to-face. Calmly is usually good. The internet blows everything up, and unless your an egocentric bonehead you'll regret having posted in your time of anger.

7) Reply to messages. Even if it's a "Hey, I got this and I'm thinking about how to reply to you." Otherwise the sender will resend the message. And send it to your alternate email. And Facebook you. And hunt down your physical address and send you a letter. And Facebook your friends to tell you to reply to them. And email you again.

8) Say things nicely. There ARE nice ways to say, "I think that dress is hideous on you" without going, "OMG THAT DRESS MAKES YOU LIKE LIKE A FAT COW!" And better ways to say "I disagree" than saying, "What is WRONG with you?! Do you have a BRAIN? You have got to be the stupidest person I have ever met!"

9) DO NOT guilt people into doing things. This is hard, because the guilter often doesn't realize they're doing it. If they don't want to do something, moaning about how much you've done for them and how they can't do this LITTLE THING and how you just feel SO BAD and they can't help you and the whole family thinks they're a recluse...it doesn't make them want to do it more, and really just makes them feel annoyed.

10) Compliment people! If you think a girl looks pretty today or a color looks good on a guy, TELL THEM! They won't hate you for it, and it just might make their day.

11) Consider where the other person is coming from. When you complain all day about how people stay on their cell phones, baby their kids too much, are senile, etc. the end result is a lack of empathy on your part, a feeling of betrayal on the part of anyone who relates in any way to your 'victim,' and the general wish on the part of anyone who is listening to stuff your mouth with old socks.

12) DO NOT use "individualism" as an excuse to be rude. Sorry, but being yourself is not a good thing if who you are is an a---er, a jerk wad.

13) DO NOT bring up things said in confidence in a public conversation. Or post them. Anywhere. It's not always easy to tell if the conversation you've had with someone is something they want kept in confidence, so before you relate your hilarious anecdote, think. If your positions were reversed, would you want them to tell this? Is there any possibility you should ask them before telling? More to the point, are you okay with them telling everyone about the time you were in high school and stalked the lacrosse team captain only to throw up on his shoe? Because payback is awful.

14) Apparently always end their lists with 13 useful things and one that they're too tired to think up, but 13 is a horrible number. Right? Right.

*Disclaimer: I do not claim to be a wholly considerate person. I'm still working on it. :-)

10 (or however many) Things I've Learned From Teaching Kindergarten.

...Or stream of consciousness type thingie.

1. Germs. They are real. And evil. EVIL!

2. Nosebleeds seem to be contagious. Either that, or somebody is punching somebody.

3. Kids have no fear. Their idea of a perfect recess game is "Let's run through the play area with this rope stretched between us and see how many people we can knock down!"

4. Kids are so much more patient than I am with each other. They don't mind helping the girl who can only use half her body do things over and over, and they teach each other well.

5. If there is a way to draw on it, they will draw on it.

6. Hand sanitizer is slippery. Especially on the floor.

7. Whining. Don't do it.

8. It's better to try your best and do it wrong than to sit there and not do anything.

9. If you do it wrong, big erasers are magical.

10. Ticonderoga pencils stink.

11. If you have to sharpen a pencil 10 times a day, you need a new pencil. Or to stop drawing on things!

12. Teachers have to have an iron stomach. If it can come out of your body, I've had to clean it up. Or at least keep kids away from it until the custodian comes.

13. No matter how slow, defiant, mischievous, smart-alecky, loud, soft, etc. the child...they can always worm their way into your heart and make you want to make their world better for years to come.

14. 13 is not an unlucky number...right.

MyGlam?

One of the hard things about doing beauty reviews is finding things to review! Unless you get suggestions (which I'm open to, by the way) you have to decide which out of the many appealing makeups and treatments to buy and review.

I've been looking into monthly makeup services such as Birchbox, but the items I saw in reviews just didn't appeal to me. I don't use hair or face oils much, nor anti-aging treatments...So I was thrilled when Michelle Phan announced her new My Glam service! Her boxes seem to contain items more to my taste, although there might be fewer, and she uses closer to full-size items. Like Birchbox, her boxes only cost $10 and you can subscribe monthly or yearly. I've ordered a box for December, and I'll review it as soon as it gets here. I'm excited to have a monthly makeup surprise! She also periodically puts up instructional videos on how to use the makeup in the boxes, which is great. I don't think there's as much variety and surprise factor in Michelle's boxes, but I'll let you know once I get one.

Ad picture for Michelle Phan's MyGlam bag.

Yay for new stuff!